A New Chapter

I'm looking at it: the proverbial blank page.

A week ago, I loaded up my car and moved across state lines to a new start. An adventure, people told me. And it sounds great on paper. A new beginning. New friends. A new vantage point. If you're into that sort of thing.

But from where I sit, it's an overwhelming experience. I have worked with many an adult student during my time in higher ed. And I admired them for their tenacity in pursuing their dreams. I just never expected to be one of them. So yeah, a week from Monday (and a year shy of turning 40), I will once again call myself "student" in pursuit of my doctor of philosophy degree. Dr. Heidi. Go ahead and practice saying it. ;-)

I have had all the fears, I assure you. I won't make friends. I won't pass my stats class. I'll suck as a research assistant (omg, can I just tell you how intimidatingly smart my faculty supervisor is??). I'll get lost and be late for class. I won't finish the degree. A million ways to fail at getting a doctorate degree - I have thought of every last one of them.

This past week has been as exhilarating as it has been exhausting. On Saturday, my POD literally vomited all over my new apartment. The movers kept bringing up boxes and furniture until I told them I changed my mind and wanted everything back in the POD so I could look for a bigger apartment.

It actually turned out to be okay. My goal was to unpack one room each day. That entailed 17 boxes in the living room alone. Remind me why I have so much shit?? I did great with that goal, mainly because Deb and Richard had me off to a good head start with a combined 12 hours of work on the day I moved in. So the kitchen was practically done without my having to lift a finger. I ended up having to buy 2 baker's racks to add to the limited storage in the kitchen. But they're cute, and they fit neatly in a nook in the kitchen.

I tanked at the last room: master bath. No drawers in the vanity and no medicine cabinet - where the heck am I supposed to put little things like pill bottles and nail polish?! But it's close. There is artwork on the walls. There are books in the book case and knick knacks on the floating shelves Richard installed. Right now, I have 3 boxes left. One in the bathroom (and lotion threw up all over that one) and two boxes of junk. Ugh.

This past week, I have met up with four of the students in my cohort (and they are all awesome!!). I auditioned for ODU's concert choir and was cast as mature alto 1. The audition confirmed how much I suck at sight reading, but heck, another opportunity to perform Mahler 2 next April and I am thrilled. I met with my program director and he recommended some books on academic writing. And I met with the new faculty member for whom I will be a research assistant. She is so accomplished and academically way out of my league, but she is also down to earth and I am looking forward to getting started with our work.

Today, I saw Foster adopting one of my bathroom vanity sinks. It made me smile. He has made himself to home, and I'm glad. Happy cats, happy Heidi.

I miss my friends in NC. I miss my beautiful home. I miss the way things used to be. I'm nostalgic that way. But I am also determined. I will succeed. I will achieve this goal. I will be that next Associate Dean of Student Success.

And as I embark on the next chapter of my life, I shall keep two things in mind:

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” ~Oscar Wilde

And

“Be the person you needed when you were younger.” ~Ayesha Siddiqi

I heard these quotes on a late night comedy show and they resonated with me. Be your best self and be your best for others. Sure, a doctoral degree is about writing good papers and conducting good research. But you can also be a good person along the way. That is my goal.

And to room 5100, a.k.a. the room of doom, I say this: I am coming for you. With my perfectly prepared defense. My perfectly prepared presentation. My perfect speech. And I will beat you. You don't intimidate me (okay, that's a lie). But one day, ideally 3 years from now, I will walk out of you. As Dr. Heidi Fischer.