Match.com Advice: Woman Tells All

So, I've been holding it in for the past three months, but it just has to be said. Yes, I'm on a minor rampage...about the unbelievable, rude, and just plain disgusting men to be found on match.com. I am here to reveal all, and (of course) to give advice for those men among you who may need some help cleaning up your profiles.

1. Don't post pictures of you in a speedo. Not. Ever. Moreover: Don't post two pictures of you in a speedo. Why? We don't need to see that. And even if it's worth looking at, I don't need the rest of the world to know what you look like semi-nude. Leave something up to the imagination!! Is that all you have going for you? This ain't no meat market...and I'm a vegetarian. Geez.
2. Don't post pictures of you being felt up by some chick. Or better yet, with chicks cropped out on both sides of you. I'm not stupid. I know that's not your blond mane...
3. Take the time to fill out your (complete) profile. Girls pay for this service, and we're looking for someone who can at least string two paragraphs together. Got nothing to say about yourself? Ask a friend for help. Have no friends? Well, uhhh. Whatever.
4. When posting 8 pictures of yourself, please don't have 4 of them with you lying on the floor, 2 in the bathroom mirror and 0 of them with you smiling. What is it with boys and their inability to have someone take a nice picture of them?
5. Post a picture. Yes, I reserve the right to weed you out based on your looks. Why? Because I'm not looking for a friend, but a lover. So guess what? If you don't post a picture, it's either (a) you don't think you're attractive. (b) You're hiding something or (c) you're lazy/not a paying subscriber. And, unfortunately, I'm not into blind dates. And chances are, most of the other chicks out there aren't taking the time to read your profile in hopes you are that one outlier we would date regardless of how he looks.
6. Take the time to read what I'm looking for. My age range is 25-35. You may not agree with it, but that's what it is. So, dear 52 year-old creepo, please don't 'wink' at me. You're a dirty old man and I will NEVER go out with you.
7. Don't hate. This one guy actually said (in his profile!) that he wouldn't date anyone with a mental illness. Seeing as I have flight anxiety that rules me out. He doesn't want to be there when the meds run out, he says. Guess what? I don't want to be with someone who is that judgmental and unsympathetic.
8. No really, don't hate. Your headline is "has it really come to this?" Yeah, I suppose it has. Way to be optimistic. Or...love the guys that say "If you don't like me keep looking." Or...'I don't want cheaters, liars, etc.' Well, guess what? That's a given. Tell me what you DO want.
9. If you live in Morocco (or California) - please don't contact me. I am not looking for a mail order husband here. Did you see the part where I'm looking for someone in NC? No? Sigh.
10. Work on your pick-up lines. First ever e-mail from this guy? "I liked your profile and it doesn't hurt that your easy on the eyes, can I get to know you better and add you on facebook?" When I didn't respond...he sent me the EXACT same e-mail again a month later, bad grammar and all. The two guys I have gone out with wrote me a nice e-mail and asked me lots of good questions. They win. And, no, I will not add you on facebook.

And this one profile takes the cake: picture of him with his ex (captioned: me with my ex); 2 more pictures with drunk girls (captions include the words 'inebriated' and 'beer pong'), reference to crack, his mother and the painful requirement to write a paragraph about himself - this from someone with a master's degree.

Slim pickin's. But I shall continue weeding out the weirdos. And update you frequently.

:)